CBB13: FIRST “FRANK CARSON-GATE” NOW “CHERRY BRANDY-GATE!”

CBB13 BLOG: FIRST “FRANK CARSON-GATE” NOW “CHERRY BRANDY-GATE!”

For sheer randomness and the ability to ignite rows in the CBB house AND provoke enormous discussion outside the house, Jim Davidson deserves an award.

There are question marks about whether his behaviour is witting or unwitting, but whatever your opinion is there is one vital ingredient in Jim’s ability to ignite a furore. That ingredient, is called Linda Nolan. If Jim is a creme brulee, Linda Nolan is the blow torch that that keeps on blowing.

Last night, in the Cherry Brandy saga, there was another participant, the one who started the whole bally thing off! Yes, you Ollie “butter wouldn’t melt” Locke. When asked by the Huskies if the Explorers had anything to eat and drink, he lied. He said no. There was a shopping task at stake.

Then Jim pipes up "They even sent us in a cherry brandy liqueur thing, and we didn’t drink ‘em."

Linda interjected, “I did.”

She added, “I didn’t drink the end though because it was horrible, but the top was like a liqueur coffee, but then the cherry brandy was really strong. I couldn’t drink it.”

Dappy then piped up, “Thanks Jim,” to which Linda retorted, “What do you mean ‘Thanks Jim’, should I not have drunk it?”

Dappy added, “What about us though?” to which Linda said, “Well, you weren’t sent one were you?”

Then Linda goes mental. She goes on and on, about Jim drinking all the wine, of him trying to make her look bad, of being this and being that and being the devil incarnate. I made that last bit up, but she might as well have.

Anyway, Jim got the Cherry Brandy, made liquers then dramatically dropped them all over the lawn. You really, really do have to laugh!

So we have Cherry Brandy-Gate and Jim, who I think started to believe he was Scott of the Antarctic went all noble by going on a hunger strike that lasted all of ten minutes in support of his poor imprisoned Huskie, Dappy. Dappy loves Jim, Jim loves Dappy. There is NOTHING that these two won’t do for each other and that includes refusing to eat and drink for all of, well, ten minutes! It was the principle, see!

Linda, of course, thought that this was ridiculous. She spat bile and venom about Jim’s behaviour, questioned his motives etc. Even Luisa, no Jim lover herself, watched Linda in the house on the TV, admitted she wasn’t coming over well and looked a little worried. The penny has dropped finally for Luisa, that Linda’s obsession with Jim is not healthy and could come across as unreasonable behaviour. Which, of course, it has. Linda serves no purpose in that house except for Jim Bashing. She really needs to get out of the house, cross the anger bridge and got to friendship island.

Regarding the “Jappy” solidarity thing, most behaviour in the CBB house is ridiculous and at times, attention-seeking. Jim is not alone. All of the housemates do ridiculous and attention-seeking  things. Even Sam, who realising that her lack of personality was a problem has been saved by ridiculous giant boils popping up all over her face. Has anyone seen the Richard E. Grant film How to Get Ahead in Advertising? The film when a boil growing in Richard E. Grant’s underarm turns into a minature version of him, complete with a lookalike head and abusive voice. That’s what I want to happen to Sam.

Liz Jones, is likably loopy but she is ridiculous at times. In a good way. Surrealism descended when animal lover Liz started to show more concern and interest in her HMs, when they were dressed as huskies and lived in a kennel!

Speaking of boils, that wierdo Casey was shown squeezing that  simpleton from Blue' spots on his face. This girl is never right! I thought she was okay, gave her the benefit of the doubt over her over the top behaviour during The Love Triangle, but now I am worried. The girl actually thinks she is Lee’s wife. She thinks she owns him. She thinks that he belongs to her! 

Seriously, Lee, when you get out of that house, consult your lawyers, change your address, get some restraining orders sorted out. And please don’t buy your children any pet bunny rabbits. 

CBB13 BLOG: JIM FIGHTS BACK

Mr. Jim Davidson, the melancholic comic is slightly unravelling. After days of torment and goading by Luisa and Linda, his self-control is slipping and he is pressing the self-destruct button. 

He played into the sexist image that he is known for and triggered a discussion about women ironing men’s shirts! I know, I know! Now some women would be outraged at this suggestion that a wife should want to iron their husbands shirts or they could take it that Jim was making an acknowledgement that out there in the real world many women do iron their partners’ shirts. Like men are expected to mow the lawns and put out the bins.

Whatever! But Jim turned his controversial stance round by scrubbing his smalls in the sink and making us all laugh.

Like or loathe him and believe me, for every diehard fanbase he has cultivated since appearing on CBB13 there are gangs of Jim Loathers.  But Jim is a fascinating creature. If he left, I swear I would not watch the programme.

Jim doesn’t seem to care any more. Nominated again, even by Casey who is going with the crowd, the rest of the group seem more outraged by poor ickle Sam being up for noms in the tactical voting scandal. Shock! Horror! It’s a bleeding game!

Outraged Ollie, who seemed to display an almost early 20th Century attitude of British fair play seems to think that the Big brother House is some kind of elite club where members who have done nothing “wrong” should bally well ought to stay in.

Nobody cares that Liz and Jim are constantly up, despite the fact that have both been saved by the public. Hello, that must tell them all something. Which is why they are (‘cept Dappy) pooping themselves over Sam being up. Because Miss Bland is leaving the building. Not because she is horrid or nasty. She is boring. CBB is an entertainment show. It is a game show.

As Jim sneered at Luisa “Does it break your heart that I get more votes than you?”

PS. Loved the task last night. Clearly Luisa isn’t as clever as she thinks she is when she kept hitting brick walls from the other contestants in on the task and failed to work out why. 

Jim's Not in The Mood for Dancing!

Poor old Jim Davidson. You know he ain’t right because he has discarded the smart pin-striped suits and taken to slouching round in combat trousers. The reason we can only assume is sleep deprivation. Jim likes to kip, which the other HMs don’t seem to. Well, not at night anyway!

A young woman called Luisa, who I used to rather like, is grinding Jim’s gears. Jim has managed to keep his other female foe at bay, the Naughty Nolan but now Luisa has spitefully revealed she wants to make a mission of winding Jim up all the time.

Luisa is bored. And when she is bored she behaves like a very silly, schoolgirl. She is bright and feisty, which I really liked at first but she is now really starting to grate, with her little girl voice and the desire to the naughty pupil that likes to lead the others on. I am disappointed in her and expected more ie: displaying behaviour over the age of a sexually forward 12 year-old, who likes to bully boys.

Dappy, is her new toy. The “Ninnyhammer” (which is 16th Century speak for “simpleton”) is just easy game for clever Luisa because A) It has been proven that he has an IQ of 6% and B) He only thinks with his schlong.

Dappy has an impressive schlong, but unfortunately the man attached to it isn’t. 

The other Ninnyhammers, meanwhile, got involved in a Talent Show. Jim all too briefly, became the Jim we know and remember, as compere and head judge. Other judges were sour-faced Linda, whos clock could literally curdle milk at 200 yards and Luisa, who CBB bosses would never dare let on stage in case she started pulling lightbulbs out of her foof.

Not really much to say about the “talent” - living statue Liz did a hit and miss stand-up routine, Lee tried to sing heartful meaning about  his recent sordid antics in the house, while Casey’s eyes blazed at him trying to work out if it was she, or Jasmine, was his muse. Casey love, he was probably singing about himself. 

Casey, managed by Jim, did a Stacey Solomon sounding schtick where her 3D “massive tits” were on display and have won over Dappy, if not the talent competition. Dappy leapt and sang all over the stage like a flea-ridden monkey dancing over electricity currents. Okay, the lad got a B plus in music! 

Meanwhile, the winners were Ollie and Sam, who had to ad lib a break-up scene with props. This is the first time I have seen these two come alive in the house!  Not surprising as it resembled A set up scene a la TOWIE/MIC. Ollie even cried real tears. As Judge Jim said in a double-edged summing up, “I am giving you a 9 because this is what you do in real-life. You’re both good actors.” Old reality pros that they are!

For Sam and Ollie, real life and reality shows really do have blurred lines. They can only display emotion when there is a scenario and a TV crew, which explains their blandness in the house. Somebody, for God’s sake, give them a script before they bore me to tears!

In celebration of the Talent Show, Big Brother laid out party nibbles. The ever increasingly thin Liz nibbled on a carrot stick and everybody danced to music. Except Jim.

Big Brother in the Diary Room: Don’t you want to dance Jim?

Jim: No. It’s a girl’s thing.

BB: Is there anything you would rather be doing right now?

Jim (deadpan): Die?

Brilliant!

Frank Carson's Dressing Room

Celebrity Big Brother CBB14. Frank Carson’s Dressing Room

Last nights CBB was hilarious. It involved round a old school comedian called Frank Carson, who is no longer with us. And his dressing room. Sparring contestants Jim and Linda know the secret of Frank Carson’s Dressing Room. After about 240 clashes with each other so far, (Jim wished that his stir-fry would give Linda the shits) and told -eager- to- mix and- cause argy-bargeys-housemate Luisa to “Ask Linda about  Frank Carson’s Dressing Room”? Which of, course Luisa did in a nano-second. And while we watched (like the other housemates) in bemused confusion, we just kept wondering what the hell went on That Dressing Room which caused Linda such upset; such hatred; such loathing towards Jim. WTF happened in there? 

Then there’s Brian, Linda’s deceased husband, another poor soul who is no longer with us, who was also involved with the deepening mystery. “How dare he bring my dead husband into this” ranted Linda who immediately erupted like the “volcano” that Jim had not inaccurately described, angrily rose from her bed to the garden with her  Primark pyjama bottoms billowing  in the night wind, and marched to the boys smoking den (there really isn’t any escape in there lads!)

Having failed in his mission to the give Linda the shits, Jim was confronted with a woman who really wants to kill him. She wants to kill him repeatedly. Linda hates Jim. She really, really hates him and whatever he does, whatever he says she is down on him like a ton of bitter bricks. She has hated him since the first night and there was obviously some very BAD history between the two. So, enter Frank Carson and Linda’s dad husband Brian, the two new Celebrity Big Brother Housemates, two people Jim has resurrected from the grave.

Trying to diffuse the argument, Jim said: “No, no, no. Let's talk in the morning."

But Linda wasn't having any of it: 'I don't need to talk to you ever. But if you wanna talk to me about Frank Carson's Dressing Room behind my back, talk to me instead of being the little snidey s**t you are.”

Has Jim crossed a line? Yes. But it’s a line he has obviously been tring hard not to cross and finally cracked. It seems that from now on, the two showbiz vets may have to apply for CBB restraining orders to keep away from one another. Linda, who does seem to revel in her Jim hatred, can’t even bare to hear his name, breathe the same air and eat his stir-fries, seems to be so emotionally unbalanced by his existence that I think she may need some psychiatric counselling. As Jim gently put it “F*****g Loopy Bitch!”

At the time of watching it was  hard not knowing what went on Frank Carson’s Dressing Room and what to make of it all but I couldn’t help noticing there was a satsfied glint in Linda’s eye when Casey got upset and angry about the hurtful antics of another man in the house. No, sorry I meant Lee Ryan, who may have the form of a man but the moral fibre of a gang of cockroaches. Could it be that Linda hates men, as equally as she says Jim hates women?

What has transpired since the programme aired lat night that Linda's husband was a bit of a tea-leaf who nicked £20 quid from Frank Carson's wallet. In Frank Carson's dressing room. And was duly  charged. All sounds rather preposterous to me

CBB 13: Jasmine OUT!

If I only I was a gambling person! As I and many others, predicted, King Jim, Loud Luisa and Poor Auld Liz have stayed safe and the "American Girl" has been thrown out of the house.

What sealed her fate, I believe, was her puke-inducing romance with Loser Lee Ryan, her bitchy delight at taunting "love rival" Casey and just an overall "me, me, me" attitude. The woman is alleged to be 35 for goodness sake. Anyway, she is out and that means Lee will try and worm his way back into Casey's affections. Not that he wants her but he likes his cuddles, does Lee. He is a four year-old Mummy's boy with a horny ram's libido. And Casey, if she isn't careful, may fall for the BS. I pray for you Case....

Elsewhere in the house King Jim is safe and smug despite Luisa doing her best to show him in a bad light. Editing or no editing, her behaviour shows her in a worse light especially as she recently declared she never held grudges but she did look especially childish and petty when she wouldn't cook Jim a meal! Not that she should but she was prepared to for the others. We all know that in the outside world Jim would like to throttle her but he is (just about) retaining control even though the girl likes to push his buttons. He was riled enough to say to her "Do people have to fackin' queue up to have an argument with you?" Fair point. She has argued with and upset nearly everyone in the house. But people on the outside seem to love him and he may become a martyr. Then the winner!

Lionel is still a silly, old confused fool who likes to argue now and then but never remembers exactly what he is arguing about. He flared up at Luisa when the HMs were punished because he actually forgot that he was in the annoying room with her when she got the chocolates and champagne by climbing over the forbidden bars. But the silly old fool just after agreeing with former wife-beater Jim that "mother Theresa would like to knock her out" he rather falsely (in the way that old showbiz luvvies do) made it up with her. Methinks that Luisa after "chocolate gate" has made it up with Lionel just to annoy Jim. The girl seriously hates him.

Also, last night in a pathetic attempt to entertain, Dappy, goaded by eternal teenager Jasmine (aged 35) sucked Luisa's nipples. On the sofa. Dappy, (aged 26) like a prepubescent boy got all chuffed and excited. He's probably already fantasising how he can reach second base with Luisa. I bet he feels like a proper man now bruv!

So, that it is it. Lee will moon around like a love-sick puppy, Ollie may do another rap, Dappy will continue to be a prat, Liz may move, Linda and Jim will have one of their ding-dongs, Sam will do eff all, Luisa might actually kill Jim and Lionel might start wandering around the garden in his dressing-gown asking when the next bus arrives so he can go home (except he can't remember where he lives!) And Casey, might actually, forget that Lee existed. Nominate Lee!!!